Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
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Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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