so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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