Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize