I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
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