I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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