I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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