apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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