I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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