so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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