dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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