Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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