Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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