Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
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Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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