I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
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He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
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You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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