Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize