He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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