just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
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I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We are all done wearing pants today
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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