while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
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He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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