Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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