I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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