I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize