I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
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Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
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And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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