you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize