It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
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She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
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Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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