I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
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Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
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I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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