We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are my feet made of real feet?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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