Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
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The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
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Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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