im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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