I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
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He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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