Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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