your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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