i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
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Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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