morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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