I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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