you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize