My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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