oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
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Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
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Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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