There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
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and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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