i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
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how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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