What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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