I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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