first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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