4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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