I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
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Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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