my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
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I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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