By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
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Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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