It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
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Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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