You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize