Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
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I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
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I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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