I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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